it started with a spontaneous, brain-dumping post of mine that got over 100 shares on Facebook. or maybe it started with the recent job change. or maybe the moment i felt like there has to be a point to every single piece of content i published my online space. anyway, as you might have known from my long absence from this dusted blogsphere, i'm struggling to hit the "publish" button again.
writing itself is not hard, it's the only most natural thing i know how, to straighten out my thoughts and give them some real space. i scribble away in my journal almost every day, pull out my phone from my pocket to tap down some quick notes on the way back from almost every run. it's just whenever i sit down to write with the intention to publish, i catch myself freezing and stumbling over each single word. my inner critic's typical comments are usually, "do you think this is really useful?", "doesn't everyone know that already?", and the most scary one, "will this one have the same level of reception as the last one?".
all of which directed me to the perhaps most important question: why do i write?
the short answer: it started as a couple of random posts during my off-time in high school and college. then slowly turned into something people can relate to and deem as useful from time to time. now, as hard as it is to admit, i've fallen into the trap of thinking that i write to accomplish and to be "helpful".
sometimes, it's the most difficult thing in the wolrd to face your fears and admit how terrifying it is to share your completey raw emotions and uncovered truths with others. funny thing is, 2020 was also the year when i discovered many of my phobia: fear of height, fear of drowning, fear of driving, all of which is linked directly to the probability of me dying. many of which i never had as a younger kid.
the case seems to be that, the more you age into adulthood, the more fears you pick up along the way. it's only natural to start to be hyperalert and watch out for yourself because if-not-you-then-who. but it's also then when we tend to stay in those fears and allow them to define the limits for us.
oh well, at least i have become aware of it now. like any fear, when you can recognize it and say exactly what it is that you are afraid of, you've made another step towards overcoming them. so i registered swimming lessons last autumn, booked a couple more driving lessons and at least now could calm myself down before i merge into the highway. and so, i'd hit publish and share this post.
for my inner critic: the point is, everyone has fears that could be so crippling that their life is morphed by them, and the point isn't to try to fake it till you make it. i'd rather take the "encourage till you make it" approach. baby steps. with a long, deep breath if you could. it's okay to be human.
stay strong and be kind,
vy.
