It has been extremely difficult for me to get back on the ball with writing. Many times since the beginning of the last quarter of 2019 did I try to force myself to put my thoughts together into easy-to-read words. So far those attempts have failed miserably. It's a weird headspace to be in, at least for me. At times, there's an acute feeling that this is the ugly side of the writer's gift - the curse on our creative struggles to forge meaning out of simple letters, to pluck up enough courage to show our vulnerabilities. More on that in a different post.
Now that we've got this so-called "writer's block" out of the way, it's time for the content that the title promises you.
What went well this year 👏
Landed a job that fulfils 3 criteria - in the field that I love, gives me monthly income and doesn't require Finnish. Even better, the hours are flexible and the culture is trusting, empowering.
Lived in my own place: Embarking on month-to-month adventures is surely eye-opening and mind-shifting. However, as a complication, living out of a suitcase makes me appreciate the stability, comfort of a "home-sweet-home", something of my own. Kitchen filled with coffee aroma. Books on the sofa. Scented candle in a clean bathroom. Irresistible ✨
Create a network of support for myself: At first, it looked like I failed in this goal. I still rarely hang out with friends, old and new. Lessened sharing of current struggles, and the feeling that I've got no one to talk to when in need remain intact. I thought I needed "someone" to be my support buddy, to talk through things together and do something together. Instead, I sought out professional help, I took days off, bought Muji stationary, and drag myself to the gym every week. I journal every other day. I say no to things to bring me down, not out of hostility or distaste, but merely to fill my own cup before I give myself away. I am my network of support. Those things that work for me, are critical parts of my support system. That's the answer I didn't know I knew already.
What didn't went well 🌧
2 mental breakdowns within 6 months: Needless to say, things were ugly, complicated and rooted way back in the old days.
Writing trajectories: I failed to publish 1 long-read articles per week on Today Vy learns, a goal I set out in April.
My physical health & skin condition: Constantly running on shortage of sleep, anxiety and stress inevitably takes a toll on my physical well-being. Damage control has been exerted, but it takes a shift in lifestyle and way of thinking to get me to a better place.
A Mental Timeline 🗓
January - April: Living and working in Hong Kong, where I learnt so much about team communication, effective work processes and rekindled and officiated my passion for writing. Constantly looking for job opportunities.
April - May: Back at home in Vietnam to spend time with family before going back to Finland. High spikes of stress and burnout due to the job seeking period and the demotivating thesis process.
May - August: Bouncing between different projects while on the edge of a nervous breakdown. A blown up sense of isolation and loneliness plus the demoralizing side-effects of being a foreign job seeker. It was difficult to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning. I dreaded the start of another day not knowing where I'd be headed in the future.
September - December: Got a job offer, moved to another city, finalized thesis and finally graduated. I got sick for the majority of November and December. Headed into another existential crisis.
It feels like one hell of a year. A wild ride with ups that I didn't set out for and downs that knock me all over the places. In fact, I was broken into pieces, just to pick myself up again and rebuild a better, healthier version of me.
Lessons learnt in 2019 🌦🌥⛅️🌤
1. The shared human condition - we are all susceptible to the same struggles, same emotions and feelings, regardless of your social status, your net wealth, your accomplishment. Surely you've, my dear reader, once felt lonely, scared, disappointed, joyful, content. That's what makes us beautiful, relatable and inspirational.
2. The learning and the teaching in relationships: We grew up thinking that once we left university, there's no need for studying and learning anymore. And if we don't have a classroom of students to impart knowledge, teaching sounds unnecessary and, perhaps arrogant. So we are fumbling around, trying to guess the real meaning behind people's words and getting sullen if they don't know the code to ours.
As I stopped expecting people to understand me on their own, I take the responsibility to create understanding, trust and collaboration through communication efforts. It's not perfect, but at least we have to try. This applies to all kinds of relationships: lovers, friends, colleagues, family members.
4. And the unlearning: I had the chance to unlearn my behavior pattern in a certain situation in the tail end of this year. Boy oh boy, it was equally, if not more, painful as any growth spurt. To look into your own mind, understand the making of it candidly and honestly is scary af. But I guess you have to. We can't truly flourish now if we are still trapped in the past, with our younger, more vulnerable and helpless versions of ourselves.
5. The inner children we're all carrying within ourselves: Have you seen the way someone react to something, and you feel it's like a toddler's reaction, out of accord with their biological age? What I've learnt is that, that inner child represents your emotional needs - love, care, assurance, protection, belonging. And it'll show you where to go, as long as you are sincerely, willingly and honestly listen.
6. The things that break us: How I wish there weren't so many of them! Yet they carry along important opportunities for me to be honest and face my true self. They give us the power for change, for evolvement and compassion. Because we now know, it can get really, really difficult.
7. The answers that come from the process: For so many of these things I'm telling you right now, I wouldn't have known it if I hadn't gone through it in the first place. It was scary, disorienting, heart-racing and at times, paralyzing. When I made a podcast with [announce soon], I didn't know what I was gonna talk about, wasn't sure if I was legitimate. Whenever I started off another blank page, I had no idea where my tapping fingers would take me. I guess my point is, do it, live it, experience it, tell it, experiment it, study it. Only with action and a healthy amount of reflection, could you find the answers.
8. The art of letting life unfold: Being a control freak and holding myself to a certain standard makes me my worst critic. But at the end of the day, there's only so much you could try and learn. As long as you've done your best, things will take care of themselves.
Things that helped/ changed me in 2019
Purchased Headspace Premium
Signed up for the gym
Committed myself to weekly therapy
Journaling + Muji pens (such a Godsend)
Deleted Facebook + Instagram from my phone
The School of Life (always a gem)
"The Art of Possibility" Book
"The Course of Love" Book
"The Personal MBA" Book
"Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind" Book
"Eat, Pray, Love" Book
The Take - movie reviews from the social perspective rather than technical, which is refreshing
Kodaline's touching song: Love Will Set You Free
"If you’re ever feeling lonely,
If you’re ever feeling down,
You should know you’re not the only one
Because I feel it with you now.
When the world is on your shoulders
And you’re falling to your knees
Oh please,
You know love will set you free."
