I know this is a peculiar thought. It came to me first while I was out running after a heavy day. As I was stretching myself in the middle of a park without caring if anyone is watching from the windows of the surrounding apartment blocks, I heard this voice summing up proudly: I’m living my life, right now, right here.
1. I no longer wait for others to tell me that I’m beautiful
For a long time I had been struggling with a lot of insecurities around my appearance (seriously, as a young girl, who doesn’t?). That I’m too fat, too short or God forbid, too hairy. Then just like more fuel to the fire, I have had on-and-off acne issues since puberty. So I tried to buy make-up products and made sure I put a ton of coverage on my face before going out at ANYTIME.
But at some point, I felt more frustrated and helpless. I mean, who gets to decide the beauty standards? Being the international student that I have been, I’ve known for long while Western people try to get tanned, Asians buy a lot of whitening products and try to cover themselves against the sunlight.
Ha, what do they say? The grass is always greener on the other side? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
If that’s the case, then who gets to tell me that I’m not beautiful enough?
Soon I realized the uncomfortable truth – I was the person who kept telling me that I’m not good-looking enough. It’s funny, isn’t it? When we actually look out for who to blame, we see us, digging holes of negativity and self-depriciation all along.
I’ve known many girlfriends who have a stunning look, yet still carrying so much body insecurity in their life. We can blame society, peer pressure and all we want. But we mostly only listen to the little nasty voice in our head.
Feeling gorgeous
The fight with self-perception is always a long-haul one, including many twists and turns – until you finally see yourself with fresh eyes. So here’s how my journey looks like:
Refuse to conform to the conventional ideals of beauty and start exploring other dimesions of beauty – what it looks like, feels like and acts like to me.
Come to terms with the presence of acne in my life and reframe my view of skin issues – a way for our body to communicate with us.
Focus on the feel, rather than the look. I’d ask myself how do I feel everytime I walk out, instead of do I look pretty.
Of course how you see yourself is always easily affected by others’ views, which are dictated by the society’s sublimal messages. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by people who care more about how I feel than how I look. Friends who don’t fixate on my imperfections and people who don’t magnify my flaws. Slowly, I learn to do the same thing for myself.
Coincidentally, one of the prompts in my journal was If your body could talk, what would it say? After penning my thoughts down on paper, I felt more in tune with my physical body and knew better how to take care of myself.
Here’s what I wrote.
Body positivity means perceiving who you are with fresh eyes and a kind mind. Sometimes, you need others people to do that for you. Sometimes, you just need to resurface that kind, loving voice in your head.
The summer weeks have always been extremely intensive and exhausting for me, for no apparent reasons (?!). This leads to the current scene of sunburns, acne scars and active acne on my face. If you’re also from an Asian family like me, you’ll feel familiar with this type of conversation:
Mom – in worried tone: “Honey, what happened? Why your skin is so terrible? Have you done anything about it?”
Me: “Yeah it’s probably just not drinking enough water and sleep deprivation. It’ll be fine after a few weeks.”
Mom: “You know, girls should be beautiful. You have to look gorgeous so that…“
Me: “Yeah, I am. Don’t you agree? He He.”
Feeling gorgeous af when doing a shooting project
2. I no longer wait for others to validate my feelings & emotions
Growing up in a culture where there are certain ways you’re supposed to think, feel and behave, I would always be fighting between what I’m actually feeling and how I’m supposed to react.
I found it difficult to face emotions which were considered taboo to say out loud – jealousy, anxiety, hatred, disgust and anger.
My head was ingrained with rules and arguments such as it’s self-fish to be upset, it’s inconsiderate to be angry and it’s disrespectful to show those negative reactions.
So I went ahead and pretended like it didn’t hurt when my boundaries were crossed, and my thresholds were challenged.
Unlearning is always a more painful and difficult process than learning itself. It takes a conscious decision in order to begin, and that’s what I did.
The past year, I intentionally and consistently worked on my emotional well-being with 2 main tools: meditation and journaling. It forced me to sit down with whatever I’m holding back inside and not judge myself for it.
At the same time, I discovered a mediation app called Headspace.
They offer a few basic meditation courses and techniques for the free membership plan, I tried them and fell absolutely in love with their copywriting, graphic design and their gentle approach to meditation.
Every step of the way, I was reminded not to try to achieve anything specifically when meditating.
It’s about self-exploration and mind-discovery, not forcing yourself to be somebody else.
With time and practice, I learnt to listen to myself in uncomfortable emotional states in a more understanding way.
Use them as cues for what truly aligns with my purpose of life and my ideals of happiness.
When I stop seeking validation and permission for how I felt about something, I have more room to understand the person that I am and in the same way, become more compassionate towards others.
3. I no longer wait for everything to be perfect
I used to be a e-hem “perfectionist”. When I wanted to learn graphic design, I thought I had to buy a new laptop with better fuction. When I wanted to restart my running habit, I thought I needed stylish sporty clothes and professional running shoes.
Spoiler: I’ve got a new laptop since last year and my graphic design skills are pretty much unchanged.
I thought that all of my emotional issues – the need for validation, the fear of uncertainty and feelings of inconfidence – would be automatically fixed once my skin cleared out, once I bought more skincare products and expensive clothing. Once I became more successful, I’d be more self-confident.
Then it got to the point when I told myself I’d be happy once I passed this exam, once I got this job or once I moved into my own place. Well, I’ve got a nice little place in the city centre, working my dream job. But I didn’t feel happier than I used to. In fact, I experienced episodes of anxiety and depression related to that.
Then there’s the hard ugly truth: like nothing will ever be perfect, you’ll never be ready.
But there are too many of us who are told and conditioned to wait. Wait until others give you permission to live your best life.
Are you still waiting for the love from others to start loving the person that you are?
Are you still waiting for someone to compliment on your look to start truly believing that you’re gorgeous?
Don’t.
Live your day today and each day.
Follow any route that challenges, expands and fulfils you.
And you’ll soon find out the sky is the limit.
Stay strong & be kind.
